No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
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A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
People be like “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy” me personally I would wish some crazy shit on a minor rival
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd