no offense but it feels like the “cicadas that come out every 17 years” happen every single summer…
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A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
We talk a lot about the conflict between slow vs fast walkers and not enough about encountering someone who walks EXACTLY YOUR SPEED and it turns into a heated but silent conflict
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
my professor scared me for a second
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.