Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve FINALLY found out what chronology is.

And it’s about time.

My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.

you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too

Help Wanted

Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.

Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.

INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich

Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.

My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂

Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.

wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!

Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car

I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.

You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.

I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.

It was a twerk-place injury.

When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.

Me: You come highly recommended, LOL

Drug dealer: *stabs me*

IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER

The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.

If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.

Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.

The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off

I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.

He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”

*hits bong*

*abuses bong*

*bong calls bong protection agency*

*bong custody taken*

*bong put in foster home*

*bong misses old life*

Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”

Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”

Me (checks watch): “1985.”

I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.

♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫

I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit

I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective