no offense but it feels like the “cicadas that come out every 17 years” happen every single summer…
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HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
I think my concept of time is way off since the pandemic started. Every day I see something like “happy 57th anniversary to the premiere of Two and a Half Men”.
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.