No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
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No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
12. I think about this all the damn time
[guy who’s in a bad mood until lunchtime every day] yeah im kinda weird I guess, i don’t need breakfast
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
I saw nothing
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
