No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
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*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
You only hear about go-go boots. I’d buy the shit out of some stay-stay boots. I stay more than I go. Finally some boots that fit my lifestyle and whatnot.
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
Tony Hawk, age 6
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
Crying is a sign of leakness.
Weirdly Wednesday.
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.