Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virus

Physicist screws up:
Deadly black hole

Geologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor

Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.

PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask

ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged

Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?

JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back

My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.

I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.

[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]

Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-

Dracula’s son: they do the mash

Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash

[eyeing a beautiful woman]

ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants

HER: they look terrible on you

Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.

i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative

3yo: 🎵 You’re my best friend. 🎵

Me: Awe. You’re my best friend too.

3yo: No. I’m singing a song. Not telling you you are my best friend.

Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate

I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”

Drive like no one is watching.

the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope

me: i’d like to buy a data storage system

assistant: hard drive

me: yes the freeway was gridlocked

student: now what?

driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn

stndent: ok

Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”

Me: *looks up from phone*

“What?”

[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.

lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair

Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door

I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.

If you love someone, let them sleep.

[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*

Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.

Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.

My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.

Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.

❤️

What do you mean there’s only 3 hours of sunlight left, I haven’t had lunch yet???

texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”

“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”