Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nothing sucks more than a Monday.

Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!

Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home

me: i’m so excited for fall!

also me: where the hell did the sun go?

Never share breakfast with a duck‼️

[first day of school]

LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.

LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.

BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.

I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.

Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.

My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity

My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.

“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature

Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.

*puts dreamcatcher above bed*

“Sure hope this works”

*wakes up in the middle of the night*

*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*

“YES”

[interview to be a valet]

me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker

interviewer: you’re hired

it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you

No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.

I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?

Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.

Never ghost your hitman.

I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am

The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.

Companies, stop informing me that my personal information may have been compromised, I just assume it’s everywhere at this point. Project it onscreen at a Taylor Swift concert, I really don’t give a shit.

New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn

[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]

Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?

Me: Virus?

[After Sex]

Him: how was it for you?

Shakira’s hips: well…

chiropractor: so how’s your back been?

backstreet: alright

interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure

vanilla ice: *squinting* no

JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶

ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??

JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶

ME: Ah. Carry on.

If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!

Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.

If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”

It means take a nap.