Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can’t name one person who is absolutely 100% useless to society

But my Dad did

Saturday

Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.

I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.

Me: We’re swimming in debt

Wife: It’s fine

Me: The kids are going nuts

Wife: They’re fine

Me: You haven’t had a break in months

Wife: I’m fine

Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means

Wife: I’M FINE

don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!

After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.

The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.

Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?

Captain America: Um sure.

Spiderman: What should I do?

Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.

The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.

Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate

Friend: Hey check out this cool song

Me: Haha cool maybe

Me trying to figure out if this cantaloupe is ripe

I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.

ME: alexa, make it quieter

*music gets way too quiet*

ME: alexa, make it louder

*music gets super loud*

ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter

ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?

ME: jesus christ

ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts

Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…

If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.

if I ever have a daughter I’m gonna name her Erica but spell it Airwrecka

me: I invited my boss to dinner

her: I thought you hated him

me: I didn’t have any choice

my boss: should I leave?

This is Patsy. She fell asleep in the rain and is now convinced she’s having an out-of-body experience. 14/10

My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”

I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.

Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair

[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse

Most annoying times to be attacked by bees

3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit

What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?

Happy Dad Joke weekend

Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind

“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”

– How my friends explain me to others.

are they though??

I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.

My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.