No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
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[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
Every woman I know is down catastrophic for the United Healthcare CEO assassin so if you’re a lonely, unstable, disaffected young man yearning for love and connection I can confidently tell you that there’s (1) thing you can do to get that special girl’s attention…
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
It’s been 5 years since they banned me from Yelp and I’m still mad about it. I did nothing wrong.
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
March 16
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
I was enjoying listening to this barista loudly roast every customer to her coworker as they exited until she referred to “the old guy” who was clearly my age.
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
“and how does that make you feel?”
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford