No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
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The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
spiders in your apartment after the landlord paints over them
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.