No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
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I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
The expired vitamins I take every two years aren’t working
this interaction always makes me laugh, no hard feelings 🙂
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
no their not
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
say hello: the new iphone will be able to make phone calls
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
For if I die before I wake
I pray the third Paul Blart they make.
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.