no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
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Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
😏😏😏
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
DJ Aligator is my favourite musician named after two things that tried to bite me in my twenties.
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
My 8 year old packed his own toilet paper in his backpack to bring to school because he said theirs is too harsh.
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
*staring at a ripped hoodie from 2002*
*glances over at a pile of new hoodies*
Me: Yep, time to stitch you up again, little buddy.
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed