No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
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Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
You have to be careful about sending your spouse things on social media. You send too many things, next thing you know chores are being redistributed because of “all the free time you clearly have”
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
I wonder what happens when you stop chasing waterfalls and the waterfalls start chasing you?
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
Me: In the grand scheme of things nothing really matters. We are dust in the wind. An ethereal speck in the wonder of time.
Boss: I’m still going to need you to come to work on time.