No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
You Might Also Like
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
what’s the point then??
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
love dating someone really offline because I can blatantly pass off various other people’s tweets as my own jokes
Business owners’ worst nightmare would be if sign twirlers unionized. Those people excel at holding signs. Their picket lines would be spectacular.
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard