No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
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me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
this came to me in a vision
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
If an astronaut goes really fast they’re a fastronaut
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
What’s the difference between bird flu and swine flu? Bird flu requires tweetment; swine flu requires oinkment.
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol