No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
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every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
My daughter is now a licensed driver and we had her go out to pick us up some dinner.
Y’all, it took 16 years, but I got my own Uber Eats driver now
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
*bites zombie*
why is the debate at night time. let’s get this thing started at 4pm. i don’t need to get riled up so close to bedtime.
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
i wonder why they stopped looking
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.