Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?

Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party

If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!

It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!

Monday

we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul

Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?

Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.

just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic

My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”

None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.

just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father

My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.

Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.

Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.

[Dog Court]

Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.

*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*

I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared

“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer

coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine

me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful

3 AM

BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?

no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life

Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?

Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you

You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.

In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic

People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.

[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.

Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.

Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.

Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back

You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..