Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!

Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?

LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”

CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?

“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”

Interviewer:…

“Oh you mean questions about the job!”

Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.

If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin

North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.

I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.

People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence

HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems

*i pick up my phone*

HER: your behavior is untenable

“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”

My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.

Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.

since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.

I get it laundry no one is doing me either

*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.

Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.

Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.

Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.

Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”

normal person: 9+7=16

me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16

2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.

Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories

So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌

My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.

“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball

#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?

“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”

Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?

sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior

them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:

[feeding baby Malaysian food]

“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises*

*spoon just disappears*

I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.

[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”

Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone