Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I love holding your hands

Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back

[first date]

HER: I really like a man who notices things.

ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.

me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*

therapist: ok what was that all about

“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”

~Me passing out candy on Halloween

My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute

My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.

Mom: here comes the plane!

Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?

All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!

Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.

Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…

[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful

Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.

I’d hire this kid in 10 years.

*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*

[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish

hate the questions they ask you when you go through customs. “do you have any friends in canada” no bro and why are you rubbing it in

I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.

Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target

Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.

“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined

With prices going up and wages staying the same, I want to share some important information with you all. I know a place where you can still get gas for under $4

Taco Bell

I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle

If your so called friends come out of the woodwork when you’re successful I have news for you. Your friends are probably termites. Humans can’t do that. Congrats on the success tho.

One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.

My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active

Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.

Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?

Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless