Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end

Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?

If you see me out in public but we haven’t talked since high school let’s keep it that way.

i know i’m gonna be alone forever because one time i went on a date with a guy who told me he was an optometrist for the veterans association and i said “haven’t they seen enough”

[first day as a pilot]

me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for

co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed

I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR

[Getting home from fishing trip]

MOM: Catch anything?

ME: No, but a bear did

MOM: Where’s your father?

Tip for twitter newbies:

Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.

You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?

Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.

*spills water on pants*

ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants

“hey what happ–”

MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL

wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?

me: sure *starts crying for hours*

#ProTip

I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.

*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are

Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?

I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend

Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.

The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums

How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?

Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”

Moon: “So?”

Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”

Moon: “Very funny.”

Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.

Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave

Me: and the last piece?

Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao

I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect

Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.

[running away from killer]

KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U

ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO

KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO

I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president

Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.

My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.

My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.