No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
You Might Also Like
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
My grandad used to say the only way to gain knowledge was through asking questions. He truly was a whys man.
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
“Am I The A******? I punted my son into a volcano for not doing his homework”
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*