Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*high fives my therapist*

“At least you tried.”

I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39

[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my own

ME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed

[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT

ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way

I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.

When you’ve simply given up.

5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS

I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open

“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”

Midwesterners: hold my beer

This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.

The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.

If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.

Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.

Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”

i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️

My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.

Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.

I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge

you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.

Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.

I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.

New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.

A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids

[boxing match]

TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’

CHAMP: I’m not too good at math

TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right

CHAMP: Or politics

You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.

The mayor of Toronto wants us to return to in-person work to help cut down on crime in the city but unless most of us are employed as Batman I’m not sure the plan will unfold as she expects

I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.

I lost my job at NASA Mission Control today. I misheard when they said, “It’s lunch time.”

HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.

PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.

HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.

PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.

Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.

(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)

Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….