No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
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When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
the red hot silly peppers
just witnessed a drug deal
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
Him: I hate how things ended. Don’t be mad at me.
Me: I’m not mad. About that or anything.
Him: Good! I didn’t want you thinking I was an asshole.
Me: No, I haven’t been thinking about you at all really.
Him: Ok, well, somehow that’s worse but thanks.
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.