No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
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[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: ＷＥ ＤＥＭＡＮＤ ＳＯＵＰ
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
Cult pretty laid back about my leaving.
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.