No one buys my theory that red fire hydrants are filled with ketchup and yellow fire hydrants are filled with mustard.
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Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
I have a friend who writes music about sewing machines. He’s a singer songwriter.
Or sew it seams.
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.