No one can handle that
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Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
Sometimes you send an email that requires a response, and the other person writes back right away, and it’s like NO NOT YET.
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
I’m at the gym and I just saw someone put their water bottle in the Pringles holder on the treadmill.
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
My son wants a proper drum kit for Christmas but I’ve only got him a miniature one so I’m expecting wee percussions…
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs