No one can handle that
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Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
Publisher: You have a good story here, but I hate the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow