No one can handle that
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I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
Thursday Thought.
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny