“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
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*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
Guy: I like you.
Me: *immediately goes into a karate stance*
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
Hungry me has no respect for bathroom scale me.
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
My daughter wanted this triple chocolate cake and waitress warned me 4 times there was a little chocolate liquer in the icing and she was 12 and I finally said, “It is fine, she isnt driving”