“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
You Might Also Like
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
Called myself to see if I’d answer, sent me to voicemail. Twice.
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
“I’m two bingo numbers away from winning a turkey,” is the most erotic thing I said aloud today.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.