Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon

teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun

The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.

Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.

Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings

Felony is a beautiful name for a girl

Hahaha

I mean…it’s true!

#facts

#tattoo #tattoos #employability #funny #bananabeltbetty

Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?

Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.

*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*

You cold, bro?

I told my vodka about you.

Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.

Does anyone know if it’s possible to buy the transcripts of audiobooks? Thanks

My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff

Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.

My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.

If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.

[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”

*has hiccups for 30 seconds*

MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT

“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?

My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.

Me: So tired

Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…

M: Please don’t

B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?

I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks

“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.

Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.

The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.

the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:

Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.

We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.

Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.

I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!