Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*tries on a gas mask*

Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.

Reasons to have a landline phone:

1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing

2. See reason #1

Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.

Gemma Correll

Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.

Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour

Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong

Me: I haven’t started yet

[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister

[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.

Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.

i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head

A news story said Taylor Swift’s relationship to Travis Kelce was fake.

~me explaining to my boss why I need a personal day

Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible

My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat

My dad teaching me to drive

people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible

Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.

Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.

Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.

I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.

If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.

I know this now.

Taze me once, shame on you; taze me twice, I’ve snuck back into the zoo

I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.

friend: why are you crying?

me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing

grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd

Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?

Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.

Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!

On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.

Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.

Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.

[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Aww

me*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!

Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!

Me at 35: oh

Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground

Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency

Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.