Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.

“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee

“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts

Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra

#inspiration #foodforthought

2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth

centipede: *walking by*

Ariel: whoa what’d you trade

Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.

Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no

My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”

If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.

My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.

[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*

DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era

ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*

Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?

WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING

4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill

My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body

i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way

When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.

Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.

But it’s definitely up there.

we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee

Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.

Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.

Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?

Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.

Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.

i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself

Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape

When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.

I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”

Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?

It’s two tired.

Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too

Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*

“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.