No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
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I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
Go to the liquor store and rescue and few bottles of wine, they need a living home too.
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
Publisher handing my horror novel back to me with shaking hands: you need to lose the pop-ups
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
Oh the world we live in…
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.