Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on

Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no

[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now

Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call

My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*

Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?

5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?

Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.

I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.

When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.

Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.

Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.

I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.

[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”

[trampoline park]

me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*

Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit

I bet Santa has 3 lists now:

Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.

Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?

3yo: *sneezes*

[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]

Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?

Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?

My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.

When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.

[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]

Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-

Dracula’s son: they do the mash

Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash

The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi

I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.

If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.

WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE

There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.

20s: Rage Against The Machine

30s: Rage Against Literally Everything

scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year

Me: The 100th day of school is coming up so you have to dress like you’re 100.

Daughter: Ok. Do you mind if I borrow something?

If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.

ME: *Donates my body to science*

SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.

I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me

Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.

Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.