Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel

By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.

A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.

4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away

5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*

5:10AM: *alarm goes off*

Happy 14th Anniversary to skipping school to go see MacGruber & the lady asking us to see ID and then saying “nevermind, anyone who’s under 17 would be in high school right now and who would skip school to go see MacGruber??” We laughed along with her and walked right in.

I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me

My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.

So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.

Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually

Me: But what will I eat?

Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*

Me:

Nutritionist:

Me: But what will I eat?

<enter password>

me

<password is too short>

meonstilts

<password must have at least one special character>

meandbatmanonstilts

First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.

Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.

The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.

Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*

*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”

[at oceanside seafood restaurant]

Me: Is the fish fresh here?

Waiter: Yes

*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*

him : can you name the shapes?

me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-

him : no I didn’t mea-

me : …Harry the hexagon

him: will you just st-

me : Dave the dodecahedron

so, is there a mister shapen head

Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers back

How about your kid?

I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?

No weirdos.

Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame

Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu

This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10

Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper

THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure

[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.

imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better

a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!

ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”

[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans