Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Overheard the most hilarious conversation on my morning commute, then realized it was just me talking to myself in my car.

I need a vacation.

If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail

First day as a 911 operator:

“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”

Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.

I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart

Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*

Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?

Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.

STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?

CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—

CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.

I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular

[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”

*Eats rice with chop sticks*

“Holy shit! When can you start?!”

And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”

tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism

[group therapy]

Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr

Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.

Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.

*launders Kohls cash*

I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.

I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.

Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense

*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them

A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.

Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written

Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?

Me: your what?

Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS

Me: I’m confused

Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS

Me: *crying* someone help me

Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’

Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”

Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.

Knock Knock

STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.

Other than that, Carrie, how was the prom?

My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day

“single and ready to mingle”

thank you so much for the warning

fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!

We could have had frying pans with radios connected to them.

But, no, instead we have all this!