Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.

Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this

I hope this is the year my teen learns how to turn off a light when she leaves a room.

Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we

Pirate: No

My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.

Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.

*first day as an insurance salesman*

Customer: Can I get a quote?

Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰

Customer: …

Me: …

Customer: …

Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.

Did it hurt, when my ice cream outlasted yours?

[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*

If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.

Okay hear me out.

I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.

I’d marry me

You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.

Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.

Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?

Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.

“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”

Friend: ow I just cut my finger

Me: ouch

Friend: can u put a bandaid on it

Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp

I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable

If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.

Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known

She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.

The pigeons are plotting to overthrow the government. It will start with a coo.

Well that tweet went over like a tuna fish milkshake.

What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?

[surprising my bf at work]

Me: Hey you *wink*

Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave

Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”

Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words

Kid: Everything poops?

Me: Kinda

K: Trees don’t poop

M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen

K: So we’re breathing tree poop?

M:

K:

M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?

My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.

I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.

Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.

Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.