No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
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My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
I’m spending today at the third day of a three day antiques fair. I waited until the third day because I wanted the antiques to be as old as possible.
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
how come we never get to click boxes of dinosaurs or volcanoes why is it always vehicles
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
My patience has stretch marks.
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.