Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car

middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie

How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary

My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.

In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.

*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube

No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.

Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”

Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”

I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!

*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*

Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it

Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal

If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder

today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes

The sun got the nerve to be out.

Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING

We’re not out of the woods yet.

Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.

[after sex]
her: you were really loud

me: *putting down my trombone* yep

I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.

I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.

Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore

Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word

When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A

A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.

saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber

detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is

me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup

detective: what was it

me: starbucks

“Please enter the 6-digit code we have just sent to your device”

Well hold on there just a minute. Someone has just texted me

This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.

gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️

Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]

Fred: MY DAUGHTER!

KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it

MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious

I treat people the way I want to be treated by not leaving the house.

My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.

So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.

Your move itches

I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.