Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.

Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’

Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’

Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’

[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls

Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat

Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start

If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”

My name will always be Matt.

The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”

Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?

The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.

I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.

“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.

sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior

accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl

Me: *places a hold on a book in the Libby app*

Libby app: There’s a 36 week wait on this book.

Me: *starts another book while I wait*

*two hours later*

Libby app: Your hold is ready.

Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.

People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.

It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.

If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.

And brother, it’s starting to rain.

*At the couch store

“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”

Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.

He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.

Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it

One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is

the three best gummy flavors, together at last

The struggle is real.

You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.

I’m not calling anyone daddy unless I’m asking for money for the mall.

If your store’s bowl of water is just for pets you should really put up a sign.

The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.

Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want

I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.

My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”

I think I’m good.