no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
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People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
me, too, girl. me, too.
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
buying dead houseplants to save time
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”