@costaggini

no..
one…

cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston

no..
one…

cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston

- @costaggini

You Might Also Like

@IvoryGazelle

[preparing dinner]

Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking

Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly

@NicestHippo

[religion conference]
BUDDHA: What’s your opener?
JESUS: “God loves you.” You?
BUDDHA (crumpling paper that says Life Is Suffering): Me too

@KeetPotato

[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]

@FattMernandez

When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.

@JohnLyonTweets

*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*

*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*

@TheMichaelRock

Our laundry room flooded because an apple chunk clogged the washer hose. Go ahead, have kids. They have pocket apples.

@TheAndrewNadeau

ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…

@hidingfromme

All the women moaning about finding a husband obviously never had one.

@HatfieldAnne

“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen

@Kimgee8

Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?