Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.

[in bathroom stall]

Me: …

Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall

a japanese vegetable pancake? in THIS okonomi???

Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?

“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police

If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi

Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.

*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*

I took two years of anger management courses

Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores

The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.

Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?

Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos

The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.

3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?

Me: What? I don’t know

3: Dadda get up, go find it

Me: …..

3: …..

Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?

3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!

Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”

Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter

Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.

buying a used car and telling people it’s a rescue

Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod

We will use anything but the metric system

So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.

[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops

Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.

“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave

I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!

[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED

Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?

Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.

Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.

I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.

If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.

Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado