Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:

Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.

Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco

My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”

Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.

When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised

God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then

One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.

I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.

I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living

Please do it!

9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?

Me: (pause) Europe.

I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing

Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…

Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.

the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.

If completely vanishing from people’s lives is “ghosting” them, then only talking to people once a month should be called “werewolfing.”

[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*

I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.

me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything

me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango

Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.

-me, flirting

Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window

I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”

“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive

C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*

me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*

What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair

Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…

Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store

son: is this microwave friendly?

me: [patting microwave] yes he is

My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way

“I’m not racist but…” – Britain

If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it