No one comes off looking worse than the third party who was asked to interfere in a couple fight.
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Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
Botany good plants lately?
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?