Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.

I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.

God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*

Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.

Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.

Before 40: stretch to prevent injury

After 40: injure self during stretching

Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L

[Command Center]

*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*

Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?

I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems

One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.

God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm

Penguin: got it

God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost

Kangaroo: Love it

God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best

Bird: wait, what?

What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.

What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.

I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please

Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.

I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.

My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.

i installed a ceiling fan in my room

I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi

She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.

People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.

I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.

You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.

i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car

There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.

broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him

Sorry I’m a week late. Had to scroll back to my birth year.

*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”

DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.

BARTENDER: Olive or twist?

DICKENS: *looks into camera*

I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.

A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease

The other 10% don’t use Web MD