Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.

Me: it’s time to go

Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is

[FIRST DATE]

ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.

[does his regular grocery shopping]

Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?

Me: ……………….yes.

Make your kid’s next birthday a surprise party by taking them to Walmart.

My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.

day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet

Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.

Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.

Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”

I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”

*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*

[wife texts me from France]

“Really?”

The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗

When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.

#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.

Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband

[first day working for IKEA]

Customer: one nightstand please

Me: sorry, I’m married

Her: I love a tough guy

Me: I’ve got some scars

Her: Ooh. Show me one.

Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born

[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down

New modem

5yo: What is that?

Me: an alien detector

5: It has a glowing green light.

Me: means it found one.

5: It’s pointing right at you

Me *evil grin* I know

Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-

Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door

(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.

Haha! 😂

*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*

Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic

After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.

the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to

I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.

“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats

ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS

HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?

ME: I do not

I only buy cookware with handles that somehow get hotter than the pan itself. This is the way.