Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”

Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left

“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*

Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%

I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.

a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.

Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..

Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”

😭😭

For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.

I discovered my knee feels better if I take stairs at an angle. But now every time I walk down I have to sing Puttin’ on the Ritz.

shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once

People who are bad at hiding, I see you

Fun Fact:

Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.

🐱: “She’s injured, now is the time to strike!”

I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.

So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.

*in court for murder*

I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.

Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.

I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.

Alcohol is photoshop for real life.

what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways

I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.

what

When folks describe me as ‘a riot’, you might think it means I’m ‘fun and hilarious’. It really means I’m ‘broken glass and molotov cocktails’.

My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me

[getting kidnapped] grab my heating pad too pls

If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”

Church: time to come back

Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK

Church: not you

It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.