no one ever comes back
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I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
Me looking for something to eat….
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Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
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Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
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*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night