no one ever comes back
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I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
That’s amazing.
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.