no one ever comes back
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The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
Go girl power!
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
If completely vanishing from people’s lives is “ghosting” them, then only talking to people once a month should be called “werewolfing.”
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out