No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
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A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
There’s always a random piece of broccoli in my Chinese takeout. I want to call them like “who put you up to this? My mom?”
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
The police said I was a Suspect…. but I prefer a Person Of Interest
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
They call it a coffin because you’re finally coughing up that inheritance, grandma
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
Kid at the reference desk said “How should I decide what job I want to do when I grow up?”
I said “Find out if it makes you work on Saturdays and if it does, don’t do that.”
“Is that important?”
“Right this second it’s literally the most important thing.”
#saturdaylibrarian
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.