No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
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At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
being an artist is crazy because you’ll have one friend who just won a Tony, one friend who’s finally juuuust making enough to quit their day job & one friend who’s like “so my new side hustle is birthday party clown”
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
When he asks for feet pics
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
If I don’t cause an explosion when I’m cremated my life has been a total waste.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
My teenager at school drop off: “DON’T say anything when I get out of the car”
*door opens*
BYE MY SWEETUMS! SHARE PENCILS, NOT GERMS!
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened