No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
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Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
Whenever I see a lone shoe on the road I figure someone’s foot has been raptured
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
I love it
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Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
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I dreamed I won $10 million on a slot machine so you can imagine how thrilled I was to wake up and get ready for work.
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
😎 🍻
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There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.