No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
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Enjoy visiting French vineyards? Then our flight school might be just what you’re looking for.
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
A driver that delivers Indian food is called a curryer.
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
Modded the new Gran Turismo
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.