No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
You Might Also Like
on instagram reading the end of all of your long captions first because I gotta know: 👏🏽IS 👏🏽IT 👏🏽THEIR 👏🏽BIRTHDAY 🤔OR 👏🏽ARE 👏🏽THEY 👏🏽DEAD👏🏽
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
Being a consultant would be fun. Like “hmmm… maybe! Here’s your invoice.”
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*