[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
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every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.