No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
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One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
Snacks are like- Suggested Serving Size: 1/2 Fleeting Thought of Cookie Aroma
it sucks that the 2020 election’s approach of both candidates offering us competing stimulus checks has vanished. please bring that back. please bribe us with money.
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
Monopoly gave me unrealistic expectations of how easy it would be to:
1) Find free parking
2) Join the property ladder
3) Buy my way out of prison
4) Get bank errors in my favour
5) Steal money from banks when no-one was looking
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
I’m not calling anyone daddy unless I’m asking for money for the mall.
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit