No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
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*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
villager: ah! run! it’s frankenstein!
dr. frankenstein: actually, i’m frankenstein. you can call him frankenstein’s-
frankenstein’s monster: *glaring*
dr. frankenstein: frankenstein’s friend
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
Notice Dave Grohl is trending…..quickly check to make sure he’s not dead……then realize his wife will take care of that part
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
I swatted at a bee today and my daughter called me a buzzkill.
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.