Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.

My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.

Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.

INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?

ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?

I: About the job

M: What is the company Wi-fi password?

her: are u excited for the next Star Wars

me: [sweating] did we win the last one

A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.

I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white

the beatles: all you need is love

haddaway: I have a question

Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over

Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well

How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.

Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second

It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.

Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit

Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit

Weaknesses.

Secret Panel HERE 💥

Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.

A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.

Imagine having a party on purpose.

I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?

[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k

Just caught a glimpse of myself in a shop window and realised I’ve got my trousers on upside down 🤦🏻‍♂️

I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye

I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.

BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.

[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.

I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight

According to math, I’m broke

SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant

Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?

Me: *never blinks again*

If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.

Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later