no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
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*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
no one ever comes back
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
18: Who’s saved in your phone as No?
Me: Like 10 different people, let’s just work on minding our own business.
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in