No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
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Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
I tried to cancel the sail I ordered for my new boat but Amazon said:
“We’re sorry, your sail has shipped.”
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
peeping toms
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.