Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster

Hospice was my favorite spice girl,

into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma

My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”

And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.

The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.

Dear kids, let me tell you a story about childhood disappointment.

My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow

It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.

It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.

Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me

I really want to retire but these stupid bills just keep

I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”

NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored

I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now

Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.

If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.

One time, I swallowed a dictionary whole.

It was thesaurus throat I’ve ever had.

13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you

Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?

[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no

Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.

“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)

*quietly opens cheese wrapper*

*dogs come running from upstairs*

Me: How the hell did you hear that?

[10 minutes later]

*gf quietly opens bag of chips*

Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?

Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”

Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier

[about to have sex]

her: I can tell this is your first time

me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds

That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…

Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……

Me:….*shoe ready in hand*

Also me: you’re actually kinda cute

Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*

Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*

Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.

me: are you ready for halloween?

friend: yes!

me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic

friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*

Went fishing and actually caught a fish. So now I gotta deal with this shit

[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”

It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel

Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?

Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?

Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.