No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
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You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
Couldn’t recommend it enough.
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
My right ear is so swollen from poison ivy that I can barely hear the kids fighting and yelling so [vigorously rubs poison ivy leaves inside left ear]
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
This chloroform smells expensiv…
that’s just… not what monogamy means??
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
