no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
“Send dunes!”
– some dyslexic guy
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
Me: [watching news]
Child: Why do you watch the news?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: I asked-
Me: I’M THINKING
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
What’s Ticketmaster’s favourite Christmas song?
Fleeced Navidad
#GoldCrackers
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
ME: is he always this quiet
WIDOW: *sobs harder*
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
Nice try, poison.
