Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.

{Annual Introverts Conference}

speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better

Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud

Almost choked to death on a jack and coke because I took a sip just as the old grizzled survivalist asked the young skinny blonde bartendress what her plan is for surviving the collapse of society and she said with utmost conviction, “Oh, I would just kill myself”.

Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant

Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”

I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.

I’m a self-made hundredaire

They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.

Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.

Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.

H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!

Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?

Me: I swear it’s not me.

Dog: *sitting on the remote*

I need a headline like this

By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”

*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?

Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.

*First and last date:

“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”

Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?

Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.

British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins

12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie

Customer spelling her name:

Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.

And this, kids, is why education is key.

*returns shopping cart*

“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”

To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.

Even Forrest Gump got laid.

This is bullshit.

How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…

~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.

me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun

head lifeguard: your what

Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month

You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?

Hahahaa WHY!!??

So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.

The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.