No one girl should have all that power. 😂
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Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
3 PLACES I LOVE STAYING:
1. HOME
2. OUTTA PEOPLE BUSINESS
3. IN MY OWN LANE
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
Why are there so many questions these days… you go to get money out the atm and its like 17 questions… just give me my money you damn nosy machine
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
Jazz enthusiast: It’s really about the notes they DON’T play.
Me, trying to impress him: Yeah I’m constantly not playing notes. I’m actually not playing notes right now even.
My neck my back my allergy attack