No one girl should have all that power. đ
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“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
On the surface: cool as a cucumberâŚ
On the inside: squirrel in trafficâŚ
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
Critic: I donât like your work
Me: buddy, *I* donât like my work
Iâm sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
Captain: relax, itâs just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
do you like vampires?
đŠ Nosferatu
â Yesferatu
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancĂŠe
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
Good news! I only ate one slice of pizza. Bad news: I did that four times in a row.
[ going out ]
wife: youâre wearing that?
me: i guess not
When they said âHistory repeats itself,â I wasnât expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
If I had a nickel for every bread pun, I’d have a pun-per-nickel.
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean thatâs fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didnât say why I ran out of legs.
The Backseat Boys
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
Detective: Iâm gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I canât help u dude
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
(about to write the most famous lullaby of all time) im gonna go tell the baby he’s gonna fall out of a tree