Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.

I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.

*dresses like a kitty*

*climbs tree*

*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*

911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now

therapist: how have you been coping with everything

me: with sarcasm mostly

therapist: has that been working

me: yeah it’s been super great

[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick

An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze

Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.

Twitter: hey, check out this picture of an Australian golfer accidentally hitting a kangaroo

Me: lol *like*

Twitter: so what I’m getting from this is you want your whole feed to be Australian golf news

Me: n-

Twitter: poor showing today from Sergio Clemsworth, hitting +2 at

Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*

Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.

What element do criminals hate to see?

Copper

Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.

interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?

me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbook

interviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?

me:
that’s not what i said

Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?

He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk

I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.

Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M

Me: What the hell do you want?

Him: Um, YOU called ME.

Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??

My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice

I’m crying im so happy for them

My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.

A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”

me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?

Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”

Me: ”Yes!”

Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”

Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”

My inexpensive home security system…

Buying my grandkids a drum set was a great idea. According to my daughter they play them ALL THE TIME.

He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.

We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.