No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
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When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
Once I dreamt I’d pissed the bed and when I woke up I had. So never let people tell you dreams can’t come true.
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
I’m just playing devils avocado here
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
me: this is my horse, mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
Dental Hygenist: can I ask a question?
Me: You’ve had your fingers in my mouth for 15 minutes, ask whatever you want
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper