No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
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When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
“your account balance is low” brother wait until you see my will to live
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”