Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wish my 3yo ate dinner as well as he eats toothpaste

me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT

ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]

GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-

Easy now bro smoking a strawberry cheesecake flavoured vape! I don’t want no trouble.

And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.

Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.

your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄

Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!

I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …

Visiting the cinema back in the day and asked to see “12 Monkeys”. The person serving me asked “How many?”, to which I genuinely replied with some confusion “12?”. Still makes me laugh and cringe in equal measure.

Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?

When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.

Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.

What is a magic bullet?

A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy

Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off

I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.

My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.

My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up

HELP 😭

Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.

A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator

My spirit animal is fried chicken

*Me at a fitness consult

Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?

me: I need to learn about clams

librarian: you can find them under C

me: I need to learn more than that

Friend: have you ever been to Norway?

Wife: sadly no.

Friend: why not?

Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.

Me: that’s not what I said.

Wife:

Friend:

Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.

Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.

legolas: you have my bow

gimli: and my axe

[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]

me: you may have a SMALL bite

Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?

Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments

me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*

hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again

Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”