No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
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“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
overheard someone asking my wife how we met, and she replied “he was a fancy wooden horse to my Troy” and on one hand: that’s beautiful, but on the other hand: 😕
Best table by far
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.