No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
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oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
excited for next month when the “hide likes” feature breaks for 11 hours and dozens of politicians have to navigate public apologies / divorces
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
Going into Monday like
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.