No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
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if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
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don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.